I've been waiting

 

It's been several months since Emma's diagnosis of Stage 3 

Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma.  I still can hardly believe it and sometimes it feels like a story I am hearing secondhand and not a story I am living in my own home on a daily basis.  I see her photo in the church newsletter in the section of people that need prayer, and we continue to receive mail addressed to her and cards of love and support, but it continues to catch me off guard that it's my daughter, my own flesh and blood, my sweet 10 year old girl, our Emma Kait.  How did we get here?
 

 We spent 5 days in the hospital last week instead of on the family camping trip that we had planned with a group of great friends.  I had trouble packing for the trip and somehow I think I knew it would not workout like we thought....it's kind of been the theme of our year so far......plan B, or C, or....H???

 

Emma developed a fever and was neutropenic and so was checked into the hospital straight from her clinic appointment to check counts on Tuesday.  Jon took the boys to the camping trip and they had a fun, albeit "not quite the same" family trip without us girls along.  I feel like I should have been more disappointed in the fact that we were missing the trip, but the undercurrent of all the twists and turns of our journey is that we are just riding along, we are not in the driver's seat.  It's unsettling sometimes because I don't know which direction we are turning next, but it's also a little bit peaceful, in the same way a child feels in the back seat of the car when a parent is in charge of the journey....they can relax, look out the window, daydream and even fall asleep because their loving parent has the map, the route information, has checked the tire pressure, filled the gas tank and even packed snacks.  They know and trust intrinsically that their parent will see that they arrive at their destination safe and secure.  I am that child.  A child of God.  He is in charge and loves me and is the "driver" of this journey.  We will be delivered.  Praise Jesus.

I heard a song not long after Emma's diagnosis that spoke to my heart like no other.  "Blessings" by Laura Story.   I've been waiting for it to be released onto Playlist.com, so we could have it on her blog.  I feel like it's the theme of her journey.  Please allow me to print the lyrics and forgive me for having it play as the background music to her blog. (Scroll to the end of her blog page and press play if it doesn't load automatically).
It speaks to me.....it helps me to have perspective.....it quiets my soul.  I've been waiting for it.

Blessings

Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

-Rebecca